By Tongola Mate via fb
‘Waliopo hatuwataki na wanaotaka tuwape hatuwaamini’ that is the tongue twister I was teaching my son to cram now that he has outgrown Ben Ten and his cousin Bob the builder.
Sorry for the three months silence. I am told someone from Mt. Kenya region decided to actualise my #UberChronicles articles -word for word – into a telenovela. So I was giving him time to scratch his balls.
I got a special request from a longtime client. We used to do karura with.
(Karura is a trick we online taxi drivers use to make a living. One switches on the app, checks price estimates from where we are with the client to his/her destination, then go offline to the negotiation table).
Betty, her pet name, wanted me to pick her mom from the Afya Center stage. She could not make it in town and trusted me with her aging folk.
She texted me the number plate of the Transline bus from Suneka, mobile number of her mum and the exact clothes she was wearing.
I was there before the bus arrived. I parked at Church House and waited for it. Was listening to ‘Tribute to Waddy’ by thee cool ruler Anthony Gregory Isaacs. Killer!
The bus approached the station and I was keen to pick up the old lady since Betty had insisted I take care of her as my own.
I introduced myself to her. She was paranoid. She asked me to call her phone. I did. It vibrated from her bra.
She asked me to state my plate number off head. I did before she called her daughter asking I speak to her so that she can confirm I am not a kidnapper or is it adultnapper for this instance.
I held her hand and we crossed over to the my car. She checked the registration both front and rare. Double checked. Am sure she almost asked for my logbook.
She took back left and off went.
Betty had told me to drop her mum in Gigiri but my aging ears heard Gilgil. So, Baba ya mtu akashika southern bypass. Teke teke.
Unknown to me, Betty was tracking me. She called almost immediately. “Kwani leo unatumia route gani?” She asked sounding shocked.
“Usijali, nimeamua kutumia bypass kwasababu ya traffic” I responded innocently.
On reaching the Kikuyu interchange, she got concerned and alerted cops. A roadblock was mounted at Kijabe area.
‘An adultnapper on the run. On board with a 79 year old granny. KCT 175…’ a circular was sent from the area traffic commander.
I remember ranting on twitter concerning the traffic at Kijabe, little Didi know I was the one causing it.
Betty who all this time was in Gigiri, had decided to go low so that am nabbed. And here I was ranting about traffic while head to Gilgil.
“Ndio hii broccoli! Simamisha yeye!” One cop shouted as he shown a torch on me.
(I was given the code broccoli in this operation. Every police operation has a code. It expires after mission is executed).
I vividly remember 13 guns pointed at me. 7 of them being AK-47, a G3 and 5 M16s. I could tell from the nozzles of their burrels.
I knew I was innocent, so I played cool. After all, broccolis are know to be cool vegetables or is it salads.
Was handcuffed and asked to step out. Thrown into the waiting land cruiser. Car towed to Limuru. And the purported adultnapee rescued.
Nimewachiliwa saa kumi alfajiri and my Mazda Demio handed over to me. Betty’s mum has messed the whole back seat during the mêlée
Nothing beats the smell of urine of an aged mammal. Pure sulphuric acid!
Car wash time!